You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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