i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
