Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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