just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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