I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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