Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
