I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
