I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
