Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
