If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
