no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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