I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Randomize
