You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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