I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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