I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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