Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
