I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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