can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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