My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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