I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
