My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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