In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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