I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
