who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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