maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
