My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
