The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
