I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
