i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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