LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
