Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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