Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
