We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
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Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
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Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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