Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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