i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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