Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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