Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
