your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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