Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Too much gin, very little bucket
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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