thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
