I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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