2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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