Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
