I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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