i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
