you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
