I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You made out with two different species that night
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
