I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
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she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
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I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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