I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
be right there i have to get my cape
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
