i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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