I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
