She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
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Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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