My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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