You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
